The Phone Call?

Somewhere downtown, on a Friday morning...a phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Jed my boy! How ya been? How's San Diego treating you?"

JED HOYER: "Hey Theo. Dude you were right - this place is fantastic! Look at me - I'm saying 'dude' now!"

THEO EPSTEIN: "That's great man! And the fish tacos - Rubio's right? Did I tell you?"

JH: "Theo. Those Rubio's tacos were a little heavy on the cabbage. I found this hole in the wall place out on Point Loma that I really like, though."

TE: "Whatever. Listen, you saw how I gave Bay the boot, right? And that Lackey signing? Pretty cool, eh? We're going back to the World Series!"

JH: "Theo, you know I'm the Padres GM now and-"

TE: "The last piece is to solve my corner infield problem. I can't give away Lowell, but with his hip I can't play him at third anymore either. Remember how we kept dreaming about Adrian Gonzalez as a Red Sox?"

JH: "I remember you thought he'd be a nice fit-"

TE: "Well with Lackey and Cameron I've got some room to maneuver. I keep getting these 'Tweets' saying the you guys want a right-handed centerfielder, and everyone needs more pitching. So how's this: I'll pick up the tab on Cameron for the next two years, and send him with Buchholz to you for Gonzo. You can't pass that up!"

JH: "I'm not sure that's entirely ethical-"

TE: "What's not to like? You get a young pitcher with a lot of upside you control cheaply for another 4 years, and a 4-time Gold Glove centerfielder to patrol the canyon out there at Petco who has EXPERIENCE patrolling Petco, and I get a left handed first baseman."

JH: "Gonzo is our best player. He's our biggest draw and considered a native son to baseball fans on both sides of the border. I can't-"

TE: "Confound it man, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette! Getting Cameron allows you to move Gwynn to left and Blanks to first. A rotation of Young/Correia/Richard/Buchholz/Latos is pretty intimidating. I'm glad I'm here in the AL East! You know you'll never sign Gonzo to a long term deal so long as you're hamstrung with a $40 million dollar payroll. So whaddya say? I'll fax you the paperwork!"

JH: "Theo, I really appreciate the fact you gave me my start in the business side of baseball. I do. And I'll never forget what you taught me. But with a new ownership group in place, and a fan base already frustrated by the way Jake Peavy left town, I might as well walk to the top of the Coronado Bridge and jump if I trade Adrian Gonzalez away."

TE: "You're kidding, right?"

JH: "No. No deal."

TE: "Well I tried. Can you send me one of those tacos you raved about?"

JH: "Sure. Can you advance me $6.25? I haven't been paid yet."

This conversation probably never took place.